If Programming Languages Were Beers
A totally objective and not at all controversial comparison.
Python is a wheat beer. Smooth, approachable, everyone likes it, and you can drink it all day without getting confused. But try to pour it fast and it gets foamy and slow.
JavaScript is a mystery tap at a brewery. It says "IPA" but sometimes it tastes like a stout. Sometimes it tastes like NaN. You never know what you're getting, but there's always more of it.
Rust is a triple-filtered, nitrogen-infused precision lager. It took 45 minutes to pour, the bartender lectured you about memory safety the entire time, but dear god it's the smoothest beer you've ever had.
Go is a solid, reliable pilsner. Nothing fancy, does exactly what it says, comes in one size. "But what if I want a different glass?" No. One glass. It's fine. Stop asking.
PHP is the beer that's been in the back of the fridge since 2004. Everyone says they've moved on, but somehow half the parties in the world are still serving it.
Swift is a craft IPA that changes its recipe every six months. Your favorite feature from last season? Deprecated. But the new version has async hops and structured bitterness, so it's fine.
SQL is a classic lager that's been around forever. Everyone knows how to order it. Then Couchbase walks in and says "we have N1QL, it's like SQL but the NULL tastes different."